An epiphany- I don’t have to take that

An incident happened recently that compelled me to write this. I don’t often like to refer to myself as having been “abused” ever because of the shame associated with it. But the truth is, I have been, and sometimes continue to still be by people I want nothing to do with.

Abuse can take many forms. Often times, that’s what makes it so difficult to pin point for the abused. It can be quite insidious as the abuser is so delusional they have no clue how their actions are affecting others even though their intent is to hurt, manipulate and control. Blame will always shift to the abused in order to weaken their resolve and keep them trapped in their web of lies and deceit. The main goal is always control, control, control.

I talk a lot about narcissism through my blog and in real life because that seems to be the type of abuse I’ve attracted into my life. I’ve let people lie to me, put me down, gaslight and blame, and make me feel like there was so much wrong with me. I allowed them to project their delusions on me and willingly took the blame. I finally got to my point where enough was enough and those toxic people are gone. I wouldn’t be who I am without those people so in a way I’m grateful for the experiences, shitty as they were at the time.

Unfortunately, there are people like that everywhere you go. Even if I’ve dismissed the ones from my past who abused me, more and more pop up. Sometimes, they are just a fact of life.

A common narcissistic technique used to garner control is shaming. “Shame on you!” And, “you should be ashamed of yourself!” Are common abuses phrases used when you try and stand up against abuse. There really isn’t any point in trying to change the persons mind, as I have written about before. These people are far too warped in the deep whole of their delusions to let go of what they think is real to see what actually is real.

From being abused by such people, and being picked on in school by rotten people who probably grew to be toxic, my bullshit meter is finely tuned. Sometimes though, I worry that what I think is bullshit isn’t and that maybe a person really can be that nice or charming or whatever, and maybe I’m paranoid. Those experiences with abusive malignant narcissists created a lot of trust issues in me that I still work through today.

Still, sometimes I’m right about people. I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I can just sense that a person is full of shit and toxic and I need to keep them at arms length in order to protect myself. My bullshit meter starts screaming like a siren and I know this person isn’t safe for my mental health.

I have one such toxic person who will not be going away anytime soon, and who thrives on attention, abusing and playing victim, and gaslighting and shaming, even putting children in the middle. If they can’t be adored, they’ll settle for being hated and pushing buttons to illicit a response so they can ask, “why are you so angry?! You need to let it go!”

Again, the old blame and shame technique used with total projection of their own sick inner world.

I’m over it. I truly am. I can’t take it anymore and I refuse to continue to do so. I will no longer participate in such childish drama.

I kind of woke up yesterday and thought, “I don’t have to let this person come into my life at all. Ever. Period.” I suddenly felt lighter, less anxious and at the same time empowered.

I realized that even though I’ve cut out all the toxic people who could hurt me, for some reason the same neural circuitry that goes right to blaming and shaming myself when I’m being projected on still fires. There’s so much to unravel and unlearn in the wake of abuse and apparently it can take years.

For me, it’s important to maintain control over myself and my life even as someone else projects their fears all over me in a desperate attempt to control my life and the lives of people I love. I’ve learned to not even engage with people who exhibit narcissistic, sociopathic and psychotic behavior because there’s no point and that’s exactly what they want- they want to drag you down into there cesspool of drama so that they can say, “see?! You’re the problem!!” Don’t give them the fuel they need to start their fire on top of you. You can’t change the way sometime thinks, especially a narcissist.

It’s best to ignore, disengage, and stick to the facts. If we don’t let our buttons get pushed, it takes power away from people like this and it makes them fucking insane. (Well, more than they already are) Again, if they can’t be adored by you, they’ll settle for making you as miserable as they are. Don’t fall for it! Let them be their own undoing and kick back and watch the show.

I refuse anymore. And I won’t allow it on my doorstep anymore, metaphorically and literally! I hope you don’t, either.

Much love!

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